Mission Accomplished
Standing before a banner which read “Mission Accomplished,” dressed in surgeon’s scrubs, Publisher of the United States Mark Vasto declared victory to throngs of adoring birthing ward employees on the top parking deck of Menorah Memorial Hospital.
Speaking in short cadence with a pronounced, folksy Texas drawl, Vasto declared, “In the birth of Joe Lewis, America and my wife have prevailed.”
Joseph Lewis Vasto was born at 3:00 pm on Monday, February 16. He weighed in at 7.4 ounces, and measured 19.3 inches long. Although he struggled to breathe immediately after birth, he was soon healthy and doctors declared major birthing operations over moments later.
Vasto noted that the important victory took place only after 40 hours of dedicated labor.
“Birthin’ babies is hard work. It takes courage to break the umbilical cord of oppression and fight for freedom,” Vasto said, referring to the process as “cervixilization.”
He praised most of Menorah’s staff for their dedication, calling them “fine Jewish doctors and stewardesses [sic].”
“You provided us with top notch service,” Vasto said. “The abundance of bacon we ordered and received from room service was particularly welcome.”
He did have harsh words for two late night nurses, whom he referred to as “pajama haters” and “an axis of evil” who would not let him leave half empty boxes of milk in the refrigerator, citing strict interpretations of fundamental health laws.
Critics fired back at Vasto, saying the “mission accomplished” banner was premature, pointing out that he had no viable plans to leave the hospital and had even ordered an in-room massage and a better day bed from hospital staff. Even Joe Lewis received criticism for failing to agree on a timetable of withdrawal from his mother’s womb.
“Healthcare costs are astronomical,” one intern remarked. “Every hour spent in labor is a drag on the hospital’s overall economy.”
The criticism was “poppycock and balderdash,” Vasto said, saying that the citizens of Mid-America would greet Joe Lewis with “champagne and biscuits” and clear a conquerors’ path from the hospital to their home after his family enjoyed “a long nap” and another BLT from room service. That plan was “shortsighted,” said one nurse, because Vasto had lost his contact lenses and he would have to wait for his mother-in-law to drive them home.
Also, in a memo uncovered by Dan Rather and CBS news, it was learned that Vasto never wore surgical scrubs as implied and never once “looked south” during the process of delivery. The memo also said that Vasto went AWOL later that night and was spotted drinking a Martini at the toney Bristol Restaurant across the road before returning that night smelling of blue cheese stuffed olives and Purel, supplying the aforementioned champagne and biscuits himself. Vasto neither confirmed nor denied the rumor.
Later that night, speaking from his home office, the Publisher tried to put his best spin on the matter, pointing out that Joe Lewis was born on President’s Day – a foreshadowing of great things to come.
“Ladies and Gentlemen,” Vasto said, lifting the baby and smelling his backside momentarily before handing him off to his wife, “Change is coming to ‘Merica.”
Go get ‘em, Joe…you got a family that loves you and that’s a good start.
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